The Mental Blender.

no but seriously. gnight

woah there christian. that last thought. way too deep. go to bed.

and you are thinking out loud to yourself on tumblr in an attempt to be amusing. Your life really has gone places lately hasnt it?

Just realized my bio is a lie. I am 22 now. what else in my life is a lie?

It is time for a new tumblr. sad. I really loved this url.

This ceiling of mine looks really nice. Think I will stare at it for a while. Always a productive thing to do at 330 in the morning.

People that describe how they have changed in an attempt to convince others how different they have become are unknowingly full of shit.

You are not trying to convince others. You are trying to convince yourself.

If you really have changed, you would have no need to state it.

Things I have learned from watching Silver Linings Playbook.

I blame anime for this. 2 in particular if anyone wants to check them out. The Girl Who Leapt Through Time and 5 Centimeters per Second. They are both about an hour long but they really get you to think and really get you emotional. Both recommended to me by a good friend of mine.

They really hit me hard. It just made me think about the future, as if I have not been already with the whole graduation thing. It makes me wonder who is going to be with me still a short 5 years from now. Like I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, or hell with it, even 6 months ago.

People are never who they say they are for very long. You can write down your thoughts on paper but the moment you do that is just the remnants of a person who no longer exists. It is history. It is the past. And like it or not it is already gone.

I guess that is why we cling to it. Nearly everyone loves nostalgia. The feel of it. If it was good or if it was bad it gives us that warm feeling in your belly that forces you to smile.

If it was bad you smile because you are no longer that person today. If it was good you grow fond of the memories of yesterday. 

I honestly do not think we will ever be able to comprehend ourselves or our existence. Something that always bothered me is when people refer to individual parts of themselves. For example “My legs are fucked up” or “My emotions took control” or even “My brain just loves me.”

What part of ourselves is our true essence? If legs, emotions, and the brain are just a small extension of ourselves where does our core exist? How do we refer to the brain as something that we own if all of our being results from? If not the brain, the center of all control, then what makes us what we are? What exactly are we?

Our past selves are entirely different beings. Only expended energy at a specific moment in time. A moment that can never ever happen again. Everything moment is it’s own original art work. No matter how similar to any others it is never exactly the same.

I already feel some friendships drifting. Some slowly and others all at once. While others begin to grow but never quite take their place. We typically want what we once had.

I never care much for that way of thinking. Deep down I always wish I could go back. Change all my fuck ups and grasp onto my successes. But it would not matter. Because future me would just go back and probably change it all again.

I have learned to just absorb the moments I am in because they are the only things I can affect for sure. The past is concrete and the future is always uncertain. The only thing I can affect is what happens here and now.

I am really emotional over DBZ right now

there is a direct correlation with how close I am to my parents house and how depressed I am.

I need to go on that trip cross country asap. I need to just know I can make it on my own and have experiences that are off of this rock called long island

wow did I just post something? look at that. miracles do happen.